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| Dear Kim,
I was contemplating whether to write to you or just forget about it, as I'm sure it's not a big deal. But then I thought about it and realized I love telling you everything, whatever is on my mind, whatever I'm dreaming about, whatever I'm thinking about. I hate keeping secrets from people (unless it's all good fun, ahem Mike's apples!). That's why you probably know more about me then anyone has ever cared to, and the initial reason why I wanted to be really great friends first - so that we could share everything with each other, even our not-so-appealing secrets. But that seems to come automatically!!! So I'm writing now without any outline as to what I'll write next. I guess it will just be things that have been on my mind lately. Here goes...
Remember when I texted you that I was afraid to say "I love you" because I thought you and I would take it to be something momentous, that we would somehow suddenly change and not be in the same place we used to be? You know in the movies where the lead character says "I love you" and the world suddenly tilts on its axis, the relationship suddenly shifts.
I didn't really want us to change. I wished time would stand still the nights we were in bed together, that the world would stop turning for a little bit, just have morning come a little later, just keep us in that warm fairy tale a little bit longer, as close to forever as we could possibly go.
Last night, I said I will love you no matter what you do, I really meant it. But then that begs the question, what does "love" actually mean in this situation?
We'll, here's what I mean when I say "I love you".
Love means there will always be room for you in my heart, no matter what happens in the future, whether we stay together or not. Love means that a part of myself is stowed away for you, that in the far future if/when you and I are married to different people, that I'll still remember how warm you felt being next to me, how soft and nervous you we were when we first started feeling each other, how I love kissing your forehead and cheeks more than kissing your lips (it's frue, but don't stop making out!), how absolutely perfect you are in every which way and how vulnerable and special you make me feel. As your boyfriend, this is what I promise to do - to always have a special place in me that will love you forever, even if you hurt my feelings, even if we break apart.
I wanted to let you know that I was kind of disappointed too last night. My cousins Nhi, Sandra and I were talking and they were like:::::
"John, I totally saw your Facebook profile. I thought you were kidding, like you know how some people just say they're in a relationship with like their best friend or something just to be silly. Then I saw your profile picture and was like 'OMG he's really serious!!!' Wowow..."
Sandra was like, "Oh yeah, I immediately friended the girl after I saw that."
Nhi was like, "Wait did you talk to her or something?"
Sandra: "Nope! I just did it!"
Nhi: Okay, I wanna get to meet this girl!!! I'll friend her too! (You'll be getting a friend request from Nhi soon =] )
:::::
So after they left, I figured I'd friend Sarina to just so we could hang out and get to know each other more too. I suspect that's when Sarina got the friend request on her Blackberry. I figured after you left, maybe on Monday or Tuesday, I could go and meet her somewhere for a little bit, just to introduce myself, since I'm sure she's curious who her best friend's new boyfriend is! and since I live 20 minutes from GMU.
That's when you texted me and said I friend requested her, and I said she hasn't accepted yet, and you said she doesn't know me. Fair enough, probably a bad move to be friending a stranger who has never met me, but I really can't communicate with her elsewise (don't have her phone, email) short of pinging it to you first. Maybe she doesn't WANT to see me. That's fair enough too. I am potentially stealing you away from your best friend, and this is supposed to be your time together - no reason to interrupt that. I can't help it if she automatically does not like me, or has some prejudice against me by me being your boyfriend. She HAS known you the longest, and I may seem like an intruder. You said she's been having problems with Alyssa anyway and probably doesn't need extra drama.
I also said I don't know if meeting them would be awkward, since I don't exactly know them yet. Then you said "Well it 'WILL' be awkward if 'YOU' make it awkward." That sounds uncharacteristic of Kim, blaming me suddenly for something I didn't mean as being overbearing, and then dismissing me, "They ARE coming next Friday, maybe we should get dinner together or something." Well sure, but I think you know how well things go when you and I are in groups (studying at Clark), we just feel rigid and awkward and can't do anything without upsetting or leaving out the other person. You said you felt this awkward feeling too.
That hurt... just a little. I knew you probably didn't mean to, that I'm probably taking it the wrong way, that I'm just being wierd and interpreting things that don't really exist... but it stung.
And then you called me. I didn't mind you calling me at 12 at all. What felt really stinging was how unfeeling it was. You always call me lovie, or honey, or cuite, or something when you say Hi. This time you just said Hi, not in a cutsie way or anything. Just Hello, like I'm no one special. And you just ask for directions, like "uh... we're on Main St, what is something fun to do around here...?"
I'm kind of at a loss, I mean it is midnight on a Sunday, and nothing is open. Short of driving around, or going to a bar or nightclub or something, I don't know what you and Sarina think are "fun" things to do. So I said you could come to my house, which I thought would be a good idea. I would get to meet Sarina, since you talk about her so much, and we could play board games, or just ask 20 questions, or mess around or at least brainstorm what else to do in the meantime. You said No.
Then I asked if you wanted me to meet you guys somewhere. I know you like to see me, even if it's totally uncalled for (e.g. studying till dawn with the others, I have no reason to be there other than so you can see me), and you know I hate making you sad (even though you always say I don't have to come, I know you want to see me). Seriously, it was late, but I would have done it. I know you'll get mad now, and say I don't have to come!!! It's okay! You won't be disappointed! Stop worrying so much about you!
You can stop asking me to come see you in the first place though, just not give me the option. I won't come.
Then you were like, "Uhhh, I don't know. Okay, sorry for calling you all sketchy late at night. Bye."
Am I special to you, Kim? Or just someone convenient to call to get directions off of? Do you love me in private, but in public you are someone else? Duplicity isn't something I expected going into this. You wanted us to be boyfriend and girlfriend, not just friends. I commited to you, fully, because I liked you soo much. I still like you soo much, Kim.
*This is the point at which I receive your text message early morning, as I'm actually writing this*
I love you too. Now you know what I mean.
Kim, I can't help thinking about things a certain way. Whether I take things the wrong way or not, whether I misinterpret your intentions or don't immediately see the things you do to say you love me, I can't help but have my feelings hurt, just a tiny bit.
That's what happened last night. I think it's the first time I ever had my feelings hurt from you. It's the first time I've ever seriously considered that I was being outweighed, or pushed to the side in your life for something more important in your mind, that you weren't willing to share part of yourself to me.
I understand that you can't be an open book like I am to you. You have your secrets, you had a life before I came in, you have friends which I may not fit in well with. I don't care if I fit in with your previous social life. I don't care who you were before you met me. All that matters is the present, the moment time stands still when we're sleeping together in bed, the silkiness of your belly and how it gets me soo turned on, the first time I saw the real you, unclothed and unbashful of it, how wet you become, how warm you feel, how everything falls perfectly into place when I'm with you. You are lovely. You are beautiful.
- John | | |
| Shit I'm bored. And procrastinating.
Between studying, I watched Crouching Tiger again. It made me remember why I fell in love with Zhang Ziyi when I was young. Then I rented Memoirs of a Geisha and it made me remember why I stopped liking Zhang Ziyi...
Even at a big, smart university like U.Va., it's terribly hard to find someone coy or intelligent or romantic. I can't be this weary of university life, not when it's just my first year. I think I have a good chance at making a 4.0 this semester. I haven't had straight A's since middle school, not ever in high school, and somehow I couldn't be less excited. sigh... I'm tired of being a pet rat that gets rewarded for pressing a lever, because that's what getting an A feels like. You thought it was all fun and glory... I'll write some more later...
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(courtesy of badoo.com)
I started writing weblogs on badoo.com yesterday and when I logged back on today, I discover that 13 people had rated my profile picture. I further figured out that everyone's pictures on badoo.com involved bad, myspace photos taken in the mirror of themselves half dressed - that or pictures of them in the club with 3 guys/girls around them trying to look suave. They all were also European. So I figured out that I, humble old me, was starting an innocent little blog about my life... on a dating website in Europe. Enough with that.
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| (transposed from badoo.com)
Today, it got really cold in Charlottesville. 53 F it says according to weather.com.
Alright, let me set some guidelines (mainly for myself than for you readers) for how the blogging will work.
1) Since most likely no one I know knows about Badoo (unless it
suddenly becomes the new Facebook), I will tell everything, every
secret, anything on my mind, no holds bar, unless it could incriminate
me or affect my job in the distant future
2) I will never delete any entry, ever. I fuck up, too bad for me. I
have a tendency to delete things when I go back later because I think I
sounded dumb. No more.
3) I will try to sound intelligent. I think I'm a decently intelligent
person. I will keep the reader in mind when I write and not bust out
into mad, unintelligible babble when I'm feeling bad. I will try to be
as clear and concise as I can.
* On that note: I will not obsessively worry about and edit everything I write. I tend to do that self-consciously.
These are the stipulations I will abide by. If I think of more, I'll write them down. | | |
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